First a quote: “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings.” — Hodding Carter
Hello, and happy belated Father’s Day ,
I spent part of the holiday reflecting on my dad and the lessons I learned from his approach to fatherhood over the years. I miss him dearly.
That reflection also prompted me to think about my own continuing journey as a parent—and how my role has evolved as our children have grown into adults, now leading their own lives, pursuing their own dreams, and making their own decisions.
From those reflections, I offer my fellow parents (and leaders) the following insights for your consideration and use as appropriate to your situation.
When our kids are little, they need us to be everything—provider, protector, teacher, bandage applier, rule-maker, rule-enforcer, and problem-solver. But as they grow older, mature, and change, so must we.
The role of “dad” (or mom) doesn’t ever go away—but it should evolve as our children transition into adulthood.
One of the most important transitions we can make as parents is learning how to shift from being “in control” to becoming that of a trusted consultant/advisor. From making decisions for our children when they are young… to helping them make their own wise decisions as adults.
In many ways, managers and leaders in business must also learn to make this shift. Much like a parent of a child, a manager must learn to transition from being “in control” of their team, to becoming a trusted consultant, to help facilitate their team’s development and further their growth as their competencies grow.
It’s not always easy. Letting go of control can feel like letting go of love. But it’s an act of love, an act of deep respect—and trust. It shows we believe in who they are and who they are becoming.
” As much as we want to help our kids, the truth is… we need to step back and let them find their own way. That’s how they learn confidence, resilience, and wisdom.” — L.R. Knost
Here are a few reflections on what this shift can look like:
From Directive to Reflective
In the early years, it’s about telling your children what to do. Brush your teeth. Do your homework. Put your toys away. Say thank you, etc.
But as they grow, our role as parents becomes more about asking thoughtful questions (and listening to their answers).
Great advisors don’t give all the answers. They ask the right questions.
· “What do you think your options are?”
· “How do you feel about the choice you made?”
· “What would you do differently next time?”
· “What are your take-aways from this experience?”
· “How can I best support you?”
I’m suggesting a shift from being the voice they hear to the voice they remember! That is a powerful shift!
From Rules to Relationships
Rules have their place—and yet, relationships are what carry the influence and have impact. When our kids were younger, they may have obeyed us because they had to. As they mature, they’ll only keep coming back if they want to. (If they trust us and don’t feel threatened, intimidated, judged, or belittled.)
We earn that trust by listening more, judging less, and being a safe place to land—even when they stumble.
From Control to Counsel
Our goal is no longer to control their every move—but to counsel with care and humility. Think of it this way: we move from being their “project manager” to their “board of advisors.” For the most part, our role is no longer to parent our children but to be available as consultants if requested.
Still deeply invested. Still offering wisdom. Still showing up.
But ultimately, letting them own their choices, their mistakes, and their growth. They are now the owners of their life choices and their paths forward.
My mentor, and good friend, John McTigue use to say, “Remember, help is only help if it perceived to be help by those who are on the receiving end of our good intentions.”
From Fixing to Faith
There was a time when we could fix most of their problems with a hug, a bandage, or a quick call to the school.
Now, we must step back—and believe in their ability to navigate their life.
That doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means we show we care by letting them try, letting them learn, and letting them lead.
“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.” — Ann Landers
Whether your kids are toddlers or grown adults, today is a good day to reflect on how your role as a parent has changed—or might need to change. And, while we may not always get it right, our continued presence, our open hearts, and our willingness to grow with them can make all the difference.
Fatherhood isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present—and knowing when to step forward, when to step aside, and when to simply walk beside. Don’t know when to do which? Sometimes it is best to simply ask.
So today, I honor all the fathers learning how to do that dance (me included). Those of you who are letting go of the bike seat, even though your heart wants to hang on just a little longer. Trust yourself… and trust them, let go of the handlebars and watch them succeed.
Happy belated Father’s Day to all the dads, granddads, stepdads, and father-figures who continue to evolve, encourage, and support those they love.
Your quiet influence now may echo through generations to come.
How will you live, love, or lead differently, or better, this week?
Bonus Quotes Below.
Related MMM articles:
Sincerely,
Bryan Yager
“Expanding Your Capacity for Success”
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Bonus Quotes:
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“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: He believed in me.” — Jim Valvano
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“Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.” – David Bly
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“Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – Anne Geddes
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“A daughter needs a dad to be the standard against which she will judge all men.” – Gregory E. Lang
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“When my father didn’t have my hand, he had my back.” ― Linda Poindexter
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“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today .” — Barbara Johnson
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“One of the greatest lessons I learned from my dad was to make sure your children know that you love them.” ― Al Roker
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“One of the greatest titles in the world is parent, and one of the biggest blessings in the world is to be one.” — Jim DeMint
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“Dads are most ordinary men turned into heroes, adventurers, storytellers and singers of song.” — Pam Brown
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“It takes less than a minute to make a baby, but more than a decade to make a being.” ― Abhijit Naskar,
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“The difference between a ‘man’ and a ‘father’ is that the former shares his genes, but latter gives his life.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough
