Hello, and happy Monday.
First, a quote: “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” – Mark Twain
This week’s MMM begins with a bold assertion and two simple questions—both of which have sparked valuable insight for me over the years, and led to two important lessons I’d like to share.
The Assertion:
Effective leaders—whether in the workplace, at home, or in our communities—understand the importance of reinforcing desirable behaviors.
The behaviors that get rewarded tend to be repeated!.
They also understand how to offer praise in ways that are not just heard, but felt. Praise that sticks is also praise that’s meaningful and memorable.
Now, the questions:
- Question #1:
How many of you have received compliments from your manager, colleagues, spouse, partner, parent, or close friend, in the last ten days?
- Question #2:
How many times have you given a compliment to someone important in your life—whether a team member, boss, child, spouse/partner, or friend, in the last ten days?
I regularly pose these two questions during workshops. Here’s what I consistently hear in response:
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Question #1: Typically, fewer than 20% of participants recall receiving compliments or positive feedback in the past few days.
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Question #2: And yet, nearly 100% report giving praise or a compliment to someone else during that same frame.
This pattern and ratio hold true regardless of who’s in the room—executives, mid-level managers, front-line staff. The results are nearly identical across all organizational levels. And I believe this same disconnect plays out in our personal relationships as well.
Something’s off.
If nearly everyone thinks they’re giving compliments, why are so few people hearing them? There seems to be a huge disconnect between the number of compliments given and the number being reported and or remembered.
“How you make others feel about themselves says a lot about you.” – Unknown
The Insight:
Despite good intentions, our compliments may not be landing the way we expect. People might not hear, value, or remember the positive feedback we believe we’re giving. And the result?
Colleagues may feel underappreciated. Loved ones may feel unseen, unheard, or even unloved.
In short, we may unintentionally be damaging relationships at the very moment we believe we’re strengthening them with appropriate appreciation.
Here’s my hypothesis: Most of us have never learned how to give praise in a way that is effective, meaningful, and memorable. So today, I offer two small, but powerful, lessons that may just change everything.
Lesson #1 – Never again say “Good job.” (At least not by itself, at least without a bit more work on your part.)
Consider the following:
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You close a major sale after months of work.
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You surprise your parents by mowing their lawn on a scorching summer day.
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You take time off to prepare a homemade meal for a loved one, complete with their favorite dessert.
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You and your team spend the weekend delivering a critical project.
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You put your own credibility on the line to support a teammate’s bold idea.
Now imagine the only acknowledgment you receive is… “Good job.” Really?
Those two words—no matter how well-meant—may come across as vague, hollow, even dismissive. They may feel like an obligatory response instead of real appreciation. If someone has invested time and heart into something that matters, we owe them more than a generic 2-word response.
Be specific. Be personal. Be thoughtful. Let people know what they did well, why it mattered, and how their efforts made a difference for you, the team, the organization, your customers, etc.
That’s what turns a meaningless comment into a more effective compliment—and from a mere moment and into a lasting memory. The next time they go to a workshop and the facilitator asks about receiving a compliment in the last ten days, most would want them to say yes, my manager gives be meaningful feedback all of the time.
Lesson #2 – Never follow a compliment with the word “but,” or its cousin, “however.”
This one may be even more important.
How many times have you heard something like this:
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“Good job… but next time, be quicker.”
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“You handled that meeting well… however, you forgot to address the budget.”
While the speaker above may believe they delivered a compliment, the person on the receiving end likely heard and interpreted the message as a criticism.
I believe this approach contributes to the variances in my two-question survey referenced above.
Here’s the truth: the words “but and however” act like erasers. They erase or invalidate everything that was said before those words. The praise is likely lost and overshadowed by the correction that often follows in terms of a “but.”
Another tip, if both segments are true, try replacing “but” with “and” and watch the impact change for the better.
For example:
“You handled that meeting well, and I’d love to see you build on your effectiveness by addressing the budget in future meetings.”
See the difference? Can you feel the difference?”
The first feels like criticism. The second feels like encouragement.
Why compliments fall flat:
Here’s why I believe many compliments don’t have the impact we hope for:
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They’re vague—we don’t describe the specific behavior we appreciated.
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We fail to explain why their behaviors or actions matter, to you, or to others.
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We follow with a “but”— and cancel out what we intended as a compliment.
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Our words sound insincere, shallow, or even manipulative.
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We forget to affirm people not just for what they do, but for who they are.
The good news? You can strengthen any relationship—at work or at home—by offering praise that’s more meaningful, specific, and sincere. Starting today.
How will you live and lead differently—or better—this week?
Bonus Quotes Below.
Sincerely,
Bryan Yager
“ Expanding Your Capacity for Success””
- Revised and updated, originally published on October 19, 2020
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Bonus Quotes:
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“Let others see the good that you see in them.” – Margaret Manning
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“Asking and hearing people’s opinion has a greater effect on them than telling them, great job.” – Sam Walton
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“Part of cultivating a good life is giving compliments to others. Not just thanking them.” – Becky Higgins
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“One compliment can affect a whole lifetime. Be bold and speak life-giving words.” – Joel Osteen
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“Everybody likes a compliment.” – Abraham Lincoln
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“A compliment is verbal sunshine.” – Robert Orben
